Sideways & Shipwrecked

WWYD

Okay, I had to find some clips of the show, since I am feeling all nostalgic. I miss these shows- kids would be much better off watching this type of show... just good old clean fun! Family Double Dare was awesome- so was Wild 'n' Crazy Kids, Hey Dude, Salute Your Shorts, Punky Brewster, Land of the Lost (the newer one)... so many wholesome kids shows back then! Bring them back!

YouTube, luckily, has so many clips that it eases my depression.... enjoy!

Superbowl Ads...

Okay, so back a few years ago when I was in college our script writing class spent the entire Monday after Superbowl analyzing the ads. I'm not going to make you listen to me ramble, but here are some funny ones.

Bud Light had a MILLION and while I don't like BL, and would much rather see any other beer advertised, apparently BL must be the one that doesn't make as much money. Hence, all the money put into it's marketing... oh wait, that's me analyzing, sorry, I'll stop.

 

 

 

This one confuses me... I always thought men used soap, but apparently they didn't because they weren't comfortable with themselves. Men, no excuses anymore, you have to use soap now that it's made especially for men... it has a nice little jingle though.

 

 

I'd probably be just fun stranded on an island if there were free beverages too (yes, I'd drink BL in this case)... no need to be rescued until they're all empty!

 

 

I don't know about this one... I thought it was Punch Buggy... and only for old bugs. I guess their point is that VW's are so popular they are everywhere now? It's easier to import them when most of them come from Mexico, now isn't it? When I was on tour of the VW factory in Germany they said most of the VW's American's drive were made in Mexico, and that they wouldn't drive them over there. That might explain all the problems we have had with them over the years. The best VW we had? An 1970-something Gold VW Bug convertible- what an awesome car. The original Punch Buggy. There goes me rambling again!

 

 

Strange, but unusually funny. I'm sure some people would rather see Janet Jackson's claim to Superbowl fame, but instead you get a leopard print thong!

 

 

Nooo, you speak.

 

 

So sweet, especially with Valentine's Day coming up!

 

 

How come he didn't do any work except "organize" and he still got a beer?

 

 

Pretty funny, since I'm a big milk drinker, but Fidelity has the cheapest trades. Sorry, e*trade.

 

 

Someone has to make sure mom's being treated okay!

 

 

This made me want a Clydesdale more than a beer, but hey, I'm not a beer drinker- just a horse lover.

 

 

Take that office beeyotch... yes, we all must know one, right?

 

 

I like sentimental (and I loved that I Love Lucy was one of the first pictures!) these ads always remind me of the "good old days" and the good days to come!

 

 

Does he really look that old now? I still love him no matter how old he gets!!! Sparky never changes!

 

Even science nerds know how to have a good time... maybe more so than the rest of us!

 

Could have been funnier, but I love Betty White. As they say, the Golden Girls were the original cougars!

A little morbid, but still funny.

Go Daddy ads rub me the wrong way, I don't know why, so I just don't even feel like posting. I am sure a therapist would say that it's because I am insecure, not comfortable with the human body, blah, blah, blah... but I sort of just think they're tacky.

 Anyway, are there any good ones I missed? Ahhh, commercials you want to see... now just 362 days to go to see some funny ones again! (But minced fish will always be on!) Maybe next time I'll show you some commercials I used for a project about censorship in the US- now those were some funny ones!

Commerical...

I crack up every single time I see this commercial. I love it! Tomorrow, we'll discuss my favorite Superbowl ads... that's why we watch it right? Who cares about home runs... err.... ummm... touchdowns, smack downs, whatever happens during the game to get the men those points! :) Kidding, I know football is touchdowns, but to be honest we critiqued the commercials more than the game! Good thing we weren't watching it with big sports enthusiasts! Truth be told, the girls left early anyway to go see Dear John (not the best Nicholas Sparks movie- I didn't even cry!) but we knew the Saints had it anyway- we didn't need to stick around. Anyhow, for the commercial...

 

 

It took me a few times watching it to realize what she was saying and that it was so funny... "Minced? Minced? Have you ever caught a minced fish?" I am not a huge fish fan, unless it's very fresh and made at Andrew's Harborside (Haddock Lester, yum!) but if I had to settle on frozen fish (or even eat fish) I have to admit, Mrs. Paul's is not bad. Just remember- you never catch a minced fish- so don't eat one!

People From Orange County Shouldn't Be Allowed in Europe

I have a guilty pleasure, which is turning into a not so guilty rage. I usually watch the Real Housewives of Orange County on Bravo. It's interesting to see how people with money behave (very badly.) Yes, it's a little bit intriguing, mostly drama, and really makes me angry. I listen to how they go on and on about how "poor" they now are with economy- oh my god, they have to clean their 9000 sq. ft. house without a maid! Welcome to my Saturday morning, biotches. Ha, but you can clean your house during the week since you still don't work... get a job if you can't buy your Prada anymore! I watch as they get face lifts, give their daughters nose jobs and BMW's for their birthdays and spend $600 on dinner. (Hey, if you'd throw me $600 I could make almost 3 car payments!) I watch it mostly because I like to see how different walks of life live. I never got into the other Real Housewives (except for New Jersey- they can be so crass!) I just enjoy seeing the California backdrop.

However, what really made me frustrated and totally illustrated money can't buy class was this past Thursday's episodes when one of the housewives, Vicki, takes her daughter and mother to Rome. The first thing she does when she gets there is complain that when she paid $600 something a night for a room she was expecting a large room- like the ones at the Four Seasons, not a tiny little room like it was. Some people would be happy for a roof over their heads- let alone to be in Italy! Secondly you stupid woman, the buildings in Rome are old! There was no need to build a giant Four Seasons, buildings that are old usually have small rooms. Go to the house I grew up in and check out my bedroom. Her closet is probably bigger than my room. Besides, you are in Rome for god-sakes! You don't need a large room that you aren't going to be spending any time in anyway. And anyway, if you wanted a large room like at The Four Seasons maybe you should have gone to the Four Seasons and sent me the money you would have saved by going to Rome. I could have paid all my bills and bought groceries for 3 months!

What infuriated me more was after that she went out for dinner. She made herself look like an idiot and gave a bad name to the American people. This is why foreign countries hate us! She went out for dinner at an authentic Italian restaurant and when asked what she wanted for wine she said she wanted something similar to a Californian Merlot or Cabernet or mixed varietal. Lady, you are in Italy for crying out loud! With all the money you have why have you not heard of Chianti, Sangiovese, Montepulciano or Brunello (which is very pricey- you would think she would have acquainted herself prior)...

The waiter then asks her what region she would like her wine from (in good English for an older gentleman I might add) and she answers with, "A merlot or a cab..." Oh my lord, do you think that those are regions? After that she then asks again for something like a California wine. If you wanted California wine why didn't you just go to Napa? And please tell me you can name a region in Italy… Tuscany or Sicily would have been sufficient!

Once the waiter leaves she says something along the lines of, "I thought for sure that they would be more helpful to a cute, blonde American girl. That they’d speak more English. I thought they would be falling all over me to help me, but they're not helpful at all." Well Vicki, first off, you are far from cute and why would they want to help a moronic, whiny American woman?

Later on when it comes time to order dinner they have a hard time ordering. You would think with all their money she would have bought a Rosetta Stone and learned a little bit of Italian beforehand, ohhh, that's right, she's a cute, blonde American so men would be falling all over her to help her so she didn't need to learn a thing! When the camera pans to her she says, "Well, we're in Italy. They don't speak English so it's hard to communicate." Duh. Don't you think that the viewers know Italians don't speak English, please tell me you knew they spoke Italian before you got there. The reason they don't want to help you is because you're loud, rude, don't respect their culture and you're an idiot. I don't really want you in America either, but would rather keep you here so you don't make the rest of us look like morons.

So that was a long rant, but it infuriates me to see these people with gobs and gobs of money acting like idiots, complaining about things most people can't have and giving the US a bad name in other parts of the world. It's no wonder they hate us. Italy, thank your lucky stars the day she boarded that plane and left. America isn't so lucky, but hey, we're full of people like her so we've gotten use to it.

As for the show, I'll keep watching it, just so I have another reason to say money can't buy class. Sure it can buy you a Prada purse and I know I'd like to have a real one (not one bought on the streets of NYC!) However, I would rather not have a Prada purse if it meant I had to become a biotch like her.

 

Oh Maine, You Are So Controversial!

It's not often you see little old Maine on cnn.com. Sure, when the topless donut shop opened it caused a stir, and when G.W. Bush Sr. decides to take a trip to his vacation home in Kennebunk it seems to make the headlines. (Whoop-dee-do.) Headlines on CNN are scarce for Maine, we like to keep to ourselves and not cause a stir- we keep to ourselves and it's best that way.

Today however, (it may be yesterday by the time I get done writing!) Maine is making headlines. On CNN they had an article on races to watch and Maine was the only state to be listed for two important races. One vote was on expanding the use of what medical marijuana can be used for and the second for allowing same sex marriages. We'll talk about the pot at a later date, possibly, what I am most interested in is how the voting turns out for Question 1. If NO on 1 is approved then the May 6th ruling allowing same sex marriages in Maine would not be overturned. Go Maine! Way to show others what equality is!

At the moment there are 5 other states that allow gay marriage- NH, MA, VT, CT and Iowa. Wait, what? Iowa? Hmm... random. Anyhow, if Maine approves the marriages it will be the sixth state in the nation to join the ranks with other states that promote equality. There are other states that allow limited rights or spousal rights, but only the 5 (and hopefully 6) above that allow the actual marriage. Who would have thought conservative, puritanical New England and lonesome Iowa would be among the first to be so hip?

So, yeah you probably see my view on things, a view that will probably piss off crazy conservatives to no end. I totally agree that everyone should have the right to marry who they want- regardless of race, gender, age, creed, hair color (fake or natural) or whether you wear designer shoes or not. Although, you won't see me marrying an 80 year old man (or woman!) I already get copies of AARP, thank you very much- I don't need any more. I mean seriously folks; you can't help who you love. I love David Hasselhoff, oh wait, actually that was my grandmother. She loved him in Baywatch, however had she known she was watching Babewatch she would have turned it off. Who am I to say she can't marry David? Would he marry her may be a different story...

So the wackos out there are saying that gay marriage ruins the institution of marriage. Well, I've got news for you, buddy, that institution was ruined years ago with the big D word. That's right, the D word. Say it with me Billy Bob Thorton, DIVORCE. After all, Billy Bob, you have had five! So if you think the institution will be ruined, Lana Turner would tell you differently, she after all, had eight divorces. Correct me if I am wrong, but when people say their vows, don't they recite, "For better or for worse." I don't believe I misheard them... they aren't saying "For better or divorce" are they? Yeah, didn't think so. So I mean really, if you are going to pull the card that it's not a traditional definition of marriage you had better be happily married- no divorces on your dance card. Unless there's a footnote somewhere in the definition of marriage that talks about divorcing being a normal part of the process?

People seem to think that by allowing gay marriage it will make the definition "radical." The only thing I find radical here is the fact that someone can be denied a marriage because of their sex. You can't help who you love, my god. There shouldn't be a separate set of laws for a "different" set people. We all live in the same country, pay the same taxes, vote in the same elections. I don't believe anyone should have special rights- everyone should have equal rights. Which means, if both bride and groom want to wear a dress, so be it. Me? I want a fancy dress and a man... there will not be another dress at my wedding that outshines mine, Sorry Mr. Wright, I know how badly you wanted to wear a Vera. (He's probably scratching his head and googling "Vera" as we speak!)

Many argue that gays should not adopt, because a baby needs a mother and father. Does that mean that when a woman goes out, drinks too much and gets pregnant by some man she never sees again that we should take away that baby, because my god, that poor thing won't have a father! Maybe single mothers shouldn't have the right to have a baby if there is no father? If we are going to go that extreme... maybe a woman who got divorced and ruined the sanctity of marriage should have to give their children to a family with a mother and a father? Huh, yeah, no, that's what I thought.

Now to be perfectly honest, it disgusts me to see a man making out with a man. It disgusts me to see a woman making out with a woman. It disgusts me to see a man making out with a woman. That's right; I don't like PDA AT ALL. Guess what? Regardless of whether or not someone can get married we will still see PDA. Will letting same sex couples get married mean more PDA? Probably not, you know what they say happens to your sex life once you get married. ;)

So I get that people are scared of change, but god, we can't live in the stone age. My friend made a great observation in an e-mail she sent me today, she wrote, "Marriage itself is an outdated term because times have changed since the constitution was written – if we kept everything the same as the 1800's then women and black people wouldn’t be able to vote." She's so very right. It's time we change. It's time to make things equal for everyone. If we stuck to traditional ideals we would not have Obama for a president, Hillary never would have thought of running... so yeah, things are different now and our laws need to reflect that. So I say, before you decide that only certain people should be allowed to marry think about how you would feel if you were told you couldn't marry someone you love. Oh, and while you're at it watch this video, it's a little extreme, but funny. Hey, it makes sense. And since it's now Wednesday (yup, I'm a slow typer) be sure to watch Modern Family on ABC- the two dudes that adopted the baby on there are probably better parents than a lot of other people are! So anyway, it's now 11/4 and the ballots are still not in, but I'll keep my fingers crossed for NO on 1. Show 'em about human rights and equality Maine! Show 'em all we know how to love!

Oh Baby, Oh Baby...

So, one of my very best friends is having a baby. It seems totally crazy to me- I mean when on earth did we all grow up? She must be more of a grown up than I am because I can barely remember to feed myself, let alone remember feed another human being. This is a typical weekend afternoon in my house or on my days off... (Wait, what are days off again? Something you don't get at my job or when you become a parent!) Here's the scene...

Mr. Wright: "Whitney, it's almost 3 o'clock, have you had lunch yet?"

Me: "Huh, what? Lunch, it's not lunch time."

Mr. Wright: "Yeah, I know. Lunch was like 3 hours ago. Did you eat breakfast?"

Me: "Umm... no. I just forgot it was time to eat I guess."

Umm, so yeah. I suck at feeding myself. Sometimes i just don't feel like packing a lunch, so I'll scrounge up an applesauce that has been in my desk for months or something like that. So, yeah. I would totally suck at feeding another human being. Don't forget- I love to cook, but it's totally different to whip up a delicious Chicken Picatta (yum, what we had tonight!) I don't know what would be worse though- not feeding the baby or trying to explain to a doctor how my baby got a caper stuck in his/her nose at 1 month old. I am great at feeding the dogs though- I just throw some food on the floor and we're good!

 So, that's right, Kate will have to teach me how it's done. Funny story as a side note: When Kate and Jon got close to their wedding I suddenly learned about the show Jon and Kate plus 8. And their last name is Kate's mom's maiden name. I was like, "Oh my god, please don't let this be a sign that they're going to have 8 kids!" Now I really don't want them to be like J & K... because then Jon will be getting a rabbi, a younger woman and become a fan of Lindsey Lohan's dad- and based on how she ended up I can only imagine what a screwball he is. I'm not worried one little bit though, because we're all from Maine and screwballs aren't raised in Maine. Wait, I retract that statement. BUT I know that Kate and Jon will be such happy little parents and won't end up on some crazy reality show for two reasons: they're normal, well adjusted people, they're smart and in love. Okay so that was three, and here's one more for good measure: she teaches and she knows she'd be crazy to deal with 8 kids! All that pressure is probably why J&K+8=divorce. Who can handle that many freaking kids? (Someone on Prozac, maybe. And that's a big MAYBE.) No matter how many little mouths are chomping at the bit, as a woman I know motherhood is the best gift you could ever get, aside from great family and friends. I can't wait until I am ready for that next step. In the meantime, Kate, if you decide to have 8 kids I will eat my words. (If I remember to eat...)

So anyway, back to how I couldn't manage a baby- here's the devil's advocate part. Probably once she has her (she's having a little girl in January named Hannah) I will want a baby of my own to dress up and cuddle and to take shopping. Thank goodness I will have hers to play with, she will just need to bring her down from NY to visit! So off the tangent and back to my point. (Wait girl, you had a point? Yes people, I did have a point!)

I have been shopping. I am excellent at it. No really, just ask my checking account. So I have been looking at all sorts of cute little outfits- but in the stores I am just not finding exactly what I want. I want polka dots! Anyhow, on my search I found these, and although they don't fit my polka dot criteria they are a-d-o-r-a-b-l-e. (Yes I had to annunciate it that way.) When I  have a baby (in like 5 years- maybe I will learn to feed myself by then!) or my sister has one (which had better be in like 8 years and she will need to learn to cook more than Easy Mac) our babies will totally be rockin' these:

 

You can find them @ http://theretrobaby.com along with a lot of other rockin' and groovy baby items. I mean god, who doesn't want their 3 month old to rock a Dead t-shirt or a Stones shirt? I mean you'd be crazy if you couldn't find something on that site, then again, "You can't always get what you want..." ;)

I didn't get anything for Kate on here, although she is an elementary school teacher and would totally appreciate the Seuss reference (what's up with all the totallys tonight... or is it totallies?), I think that this style probably suits someone who is, well, crazier, like me. But then I could be wrong. I mean every baby looks totally adorable in pink frills, but maybe that babe wants to be a little more Seussical sometimes? :) Anyway, here's a hint. If you get one for me one I will definitely cut a little tail hole and have Asia wear it. (She's a size 0-3 months.) Kidding, but no, really, I will stuff it away in my closet along with the adorable Ralph Lauren dresses I bought for the girls I am going to have one day. How could I pass up some clearance Ralph Lauren dresses? I would have been totally (there's that word again) crazy to leave them on the rack! I better pray to God that I have girls, because that's what I've been stocking up for.

Here's my prayer: Dear God, It's me Whitney. (Don't laugh it's how I start every prayer.) Please let me have a girl, otherwise my boy will look really, well, gay. I mean a little boy in a bright green dress with a fuschia satin belt with green horses? Not so boyish. So please, just give me a little girl. Oh and also, could you make sure that the elastic stays elasticy, since I got the dress 3 years ago? Thanks so much. Love, Whitney

Yes, I know, I'm crazy.
 
 

Cougars... They're Everywhere

I'm not talking about the cute furry spotted type of cougars, although they will dress up like a cat if you want them to! I am talking about the cougars like Courtney Cox portrays in her show Cougar Town. (This is a great show, by the way!) They are woman usually 40 or older that dress like they're 20, dirty dance with 20 year olds and are made of plastic just like Barbie and her over sized plastic "ta tas." Wasn't it bad enough that we have "sugar daddies" that thought they were Hugh Hefner?

The reason why I bring this up is we went to a Halloween party last and it was crawling with cougars and wannabe Hef's. Well, not like crawling, but there were just enough to be noticed. The first encounter I had was with a woman dressed as a cat, go figure, huh? She asked Mr. Wright what his name was, and when he said Abel she didn't believe him. (He was dressed as Caesar so maybe she thought he was just being funny.) So she pulls him close and purrs, "Well, you know my name is kitty cat." She then went on to complain about how the old dude dressed like a pimp kept grinding on her. When asked how she knew the people throwing the party she started out a long drawn out story about her children, the grocery store, how in her fake life she was a cat or something crazy, turns out she had no idea who was having the party. Mind you, this wasn't a big party- we all pretty much knew each other. When one of the hosts came over she started grabbing his ass, talking about how her husband was outside. Needless to say, we ditched, say it with me in a seductive purr, kitty cat.

After this little incident the party's host began telling me a story about the other cougar in the room who was dressed in a skanky little outfit as something sporty. The only sport she plays is chase the young boys... maybe she could be a priest... ouch that was bad, sorry. If you're Catholic do a couple of Hail Mary's for me and we should be cool. So anyway, back on track, he was telling me how in a moment of idiocy (or drunkenness) he made out with her. When he came to his senses and saw her wrinkles and felt her plastic breasts he feigned a stomach ache and asked her to leave him alone. She didn't let up- asking him to "give it to her"- at which point he probably would have faked H1N1 if he could. So this is weeks later and she's still telling her co-worker (who was the party hostess) that she wanted him badly.

They say we are young and stupid in our 20's- that we just don't get things- well, that cougar didn't get it. She looked desperate and not like a hot Eva Longoria housewife desperate.

And don't even get me started on the old pimp and the corpse. (He really would be dead if some of the guys had seen him reaching up their girlfriends skirts!) Nonetheless, at the end of the night kitty cat was grinding with the old pimp. Sporty spice, aged 20 years, was alone and pining. It was pining probably just like when she in high school and had a thing for her cute math teacher.

So here is my question, why do these women want these young guys? Sure it makes you feel young, but from personal experience I know that men my age are broke, drink cheap ass beer, could probably go weeks without doing laundry- do they really want another child to take care of? I mean really, didn't they just get their sons out of the house? I guess the truth behind it all is we always want we can't have. We want to be older, we want to be younger- we want everything we can't have or already had at one point in time. I can't wait to grow up and be a cougar :) Kidding! Anyhow, it continues to make me laugh and I'll keep watching Cougar Town because Courtney Cox is a pretty hot cougar. :)

Today Show, I'm Ashamed

Okay, so maybe I am being a little too sensitive. I mean, I like to think that I have a sense of humor, but this seemed a little much to me. I was enjoying my last few moments in bed watching the Today Show like I do every morning and they had mentioned the cooking segment coming up. (Yay!)

The segment was about Greek cooking, yum. However, most people know that a lot of Greek cooking uses lamb. As they were going to commercials the closing music was a children's group singing "Baa Baa Black Sheep." Okay, c'mon people, I am not a vegetarian, not even close, but doesn't this seem a little insensitive to the poor little lamb? It gets better, when they started the cooking segment the music was a group of children singing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb." THEN a pop up of the chef's book popped up during of all of this, guess what it's called? How to Roast a Lamb! I am all for being funny, but this just struck a chord and I was a little disappointed that the humor used was so... I don't know if disrespectful is the word, but you know what I mean! Seriously. Don't we usually taunt people that way when we make them not want to eat their food or something?

Anyhow, after the cooking segment ended the opening to the next segment was, "What you can do to when your spouse doesn't want to have sex..." God only knows where they're going with that one! No wonder Al Roker almost choked on Mary's little lamb when she said it!